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Baby Steps
10.14.06 (11:51 pm)   [edit]
Once, when I was a little girl, I got into trouble for "talking back to my mother." My brother was arguing with her husband about something that had been lost or misplaced -- both blaming the other for what had happened. My mother, who’d been keeping score with the occasional flick of her cigarette, said something like "Tom never misplaces things" or some other ridiculous blanket statement about him and the ideal quality of his character.

At ten years old, this wasn't the first time I'd caught her in a lie, but it was one of the first times I felt brave enough to call her on it. I said, "How would you know? You're never here." I had not been a part of the conversation, so when she pivoted her head towards me, I could see her teeth clench a bit, her jaw set forward, her chin parallel to her shoulder. Now, thinking back on it, I know she waited for me to look away and begin shifting my weight from foot to foot before finally telling me to get out of the house.

She didn't say "and never come back," but I assumed that was what she meant, so I put on my coat and gloves and boots and marched down to the end of the driveway.

I didn't know where to go next, so I stood there, watching the cars go past -- my toes on the line that marked where my house ended and the rest of the world began. I told myself that when the traffic cleared, I'd move. But it wasn't until it started to rain that I finally made my way across the street to the park, finding sanctuary beneath one of those shelters that smiling people use for weddings or cookouts or family reunions. Eventually, I climbed up onto the stonewall that surrounded the shelter, swinging my legs in the dead space that lived between me and the ground, and watched the rain as it filled the various dimples and imperfections in the pavement, forming puddles and thin, black streams that ran into each other.

I can remember very distinctly, as I watched the rain, thinking about how one day I'd tell someone about this moment: about the way the mirrored tree branches seemed to swell and undulate as each new raindrop penetrated their reflection - cast on the surface of the puddles, or about how, having just read the myth of Narcissus in school, I was too afraid to lean over the wall and look down at my own reflection in the water. I told myself that it was important to remember each moment because one day, I thought, I'll be a writer or a filmmaker or a painter and I'll want to tell the story of the day I left home forever and watched the rain falling in the park.

Of course, that wasn't the day I left home forever and I've yet to become any of those things, but I still remember each moment... just in case.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I imagined you writing a book and me drawing silly things for it... so I did."

*smile*

I'm so glad.
 


posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 10.15.06 (6:20 am)

Yay! Something new!

I'll be back to read. I promise. :)



posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 10.16.06 (6:50 am)

Of course I think that this story is incredible. The main reason I think so, is that you somehow manage to weave "suspense" into it so well.

I remember the first time I ran away. I was about 7 or 8. This story touched on that memory of my own. It's the suspense and the clarity that comes with such an intense moment in one's life which creates a brain tattoo, I suppose.

Thank you for sharing the story. Reading it made me feel a little more human.







posted by: Lindy (reply)
post date: 10.17.06 (8:29 am)

"How would you know? You're never here."

A champion born all in a moment.

And her courage still makes my eyes shine with admiration. You're as much a writer as Andrew is an artist. Both worthy of much praise. Sorry to be so mushy, but it's what springs forth.



posted by: cmaze (reply)
post date: 10.18.06 (12:27 pm)

That is quite a story. I have to say I was moved by it as it brought back some of my own haunted memories. It reminds me to keep things close at heart so that I may remember to gain a new perspective on younger days.

Keep writing, you are amazing with words.



posted by: thejongleur (reply)
post date: 10.20.06 (5:02 pm)

it's been a wee while, jennifer, so I'm terribly pleased to see you sharing words, and a perfect little story, again.





posted by: juniperflux (reply)
post date: 10.21.06 (6:13 pm)

Reply to: Cutter

You honor me with your time and thoughts, Cutter. But, I'd be a liar if I didn't also say that praise like "Thank you for sharing the story. Reading it made me feel a little more human." wasn't one of the few reasons that keeps me coming back here. Thank you.

j




posted by: juniperflux (reply)
post date: 10.21.06 (6:18 pm)

Reply to: Lindy

*smile*

I rather like it when you get mushy.

Time passes and while I've rearranged the furniture here a bit, some things never change. Nothing I post here is quite complete until you stop by and pin something underneath it. Thank you, L.

j








posted by: juniperflux (reply)
post date: 10.21.06 (6:19 pm)

Reply to: cmaze

thank you.
j




posted by: juniperflux (reply)
post date: 10.21.06 (6:27 pm)

Reply to: thejongleur

*smile*

Baby steps are often the hardest, but also the most important.
I'm glad you're here to hold my hand.

Good medicine, right?
aml&s
jennifer





posted by: akelso (reply)
post date: 10.25.06 (6:17 pm)

"... one day, I thought, I'll be a writer or a filmmaker or a painter and I'll want to tell the story of the day I left home forever and watched the rain falling in the park. Of course, that wasn't the day I left home forever and I've yet to become any of those things, but I still remember each moment... just in case." --

Juniper, I do believe you've become a writer! Can't say where home is, if not in your words. Odd that many are finding home there (in your words,) when you may be still sojourning.

Take care - and may your words continue to propagate.

- Andrea



posted by: juniperflux (reply)
post date: 10.30.06 (7:11 pm)

Reply to: akelso

*smile*

Thank you for your kind words, Andrea.

j




posted by: aniebananie (reply)
post date: 11.13.06 (5:33 pm)

Beautiful.



posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 12.11.06 (8:27 pm)

this was...lovely. i don't use that word often but nothing else seemed to work. you made me see that little girl...there were times when I felt like I was sitting with her.



posted by: juniperflux (reply)
post date: 01.07.07 (1:21 am)

Reply to: lorischuster

Thank you. I am grateful for your kind words.

j

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